Holistic Gardner

Today I’m tackling a fascinating topic – and that is, the topic of faith. I’m not talking here about a religious or spiritual affiliation, but understanding that what you put into therapy is working on your behalf.

I bring it up because it’s easy to lose faith in the therapy process at times – healing is not linear; often things get worse before they get better; and the therapy process can seem mysterious in its ways of working. So while we’re in the midst of it all, it’s useful to cultivate a sense of hope and faith. Things will get better.

Happy New Year! I wish all of you a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2010. I know new years can be full of resolutions, goals, and new starts, but only a select few end up keeping their resolutions. Why is that?

Intellectually, we know what we want to change (our relationships, addictions, weight, etc.) but until we DO something different, all the insight in the world won’t help. Often our resolutions are unrealistic, or too myopic. Plus our feelings of worthiness – or lack thereof – often derail us.

I often get the question from potential clients, “What is holistic psychotherapy, anyway?”

My New York aunt insists that in New York, the word ‘holistic’ would not get me very far – there’s this perception that the translation of ‘holistic’ equals California crunchy-oat-bread-with-sprouts-and-avocado-eating, Birkenstocks-wearing, lefty-communist protesters… Or some such comparison. Maybe they think we’re all driving around in ‘68 VW Bugs hugging trees and singing Kumbaya.

I was listening to Wayne Dyer’s series of audio CDs “The Essence of Being in Balance,” which I found in a bargain bin recently. I had seen him on a PBS TV special, and thought he made some good points, so I went ahead, and needing a dose of balance myself, picked up the 6-CD set.

He is half  a “wise man” archetype, and half  “New Age guru.” The latter comes out when he makes emphatic points like, “I know the Universe is here to support us all,” that, even were it so, is a pretty presumptuous statement. But that annoyance aside, I was up, couldn’t sleep, and was listening.

This blog entry is about sexual abuse, especially in light of the recent Richmond High incident. There are many ways sexual abuse or molestation can manifest in both men and women. Here are some phrases to watch for that might be cause for deeper work:

- “I had sex when I was 4 with a female babysitter,” said by a male. If you’re male, and had “sex” before puberty especially by someone who was older or who had more authority, that isn’t sex – it’s abuse. As an adult, you may experience difficulty with intimacy and a tendency to sexualize your relationships.

Gang rape in Richmond, California brings up profound questions

Last weekend, a horrific incident happened outside of a school gymnasium. Around midnight on October 25, 2009, the Richmond police department got a call from a girl whose brother-in-law heard about the rape. The police followed-up and found a half-naked fifteen year old girl, beaten and unconscious, cowered underneath a bench outside her school. She was airlifted to the hospital in critical condition.

Today’s topic is about expectations. Conflicting views arise – one belief is that we need expectations so that we and others are accountable. The other belief is a more Buddhist perspective about letting go of our expectations to alleviate suffering. What is the deal with expectations, anyway?

Highs and Lows

First, we must remember that having low expectations and having high expectations are still both forms of having expectations. Studies show that students whose teachers have low expectations of them perform at a lower level. Students whose teachers have high expectations of them perform at a higher level. In this regard, believing in peoples’ abilities and having high expectations of them allows them to see themselves in a positive light.

What happens when you smile just to be polite, or you say “Yes,” when you really mean “No”? Or you say you like something when the exact opposite is true?

The result is that your internal self clashes with your external behavior, and tension is what results. This tension may manifest as aches and pains in your body, or it might lead to tense thoughts, such as “I should have…” or “I wish I hadn’t…” Other implications can be extreme exhaustion, fatigue, and/or the desire to escape the tension through various substances (food, alcohol, drugs) or behavior (sex, gambling, purging).

Recently I watched Caroline Myss’ “Energetics of Healing” DVD. Myss is most known for her book Anatomy of the Spirit, and is renowned as one of the first practitioners to pull the mind, body, and spirit together and reach the masses.

In this DVD, her premise is that we have a set amount of energy coming from the Source to us everyday that is managed through energetic chakra centers. Each chakra manages a specific category of information. Good management of the chakras leads to well-being and equilibrium in your daily functioning, whereas poor management results in energy “leaks” that drain cells of life force and leave us depleted, tired, unhappy, with low self-esteem, and with unbalanced relationships. Taken to an extreme, these “leaks” lead to  illness  and disease.

While subbing a vinyasa yoga class a few weeks ago, I noticed that the majority of the bodies in the room fell into two categories: flexible and stiff. While this is an extreme oversimplification, being the therapist that I am, I began to draw conclusions to life off the mat, and to relationships in general. What I outline here can be seen as literal, metaphorical, and/or sexual.